We are what we believe

“Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.”

Henry Ford

In an earlier post, Positive Beliefs and Performance, we described how our beliefs influence our performance.  Over the next few posts we will be exploring how we can become more resourceful by adopting the “Presuppositions of NLP” or “Beliefs of Excellence”, as I like to call them.

This set of helpful beliefs were derived by Richard Bandler and John Grinder from their study of experts in fields relating to human performance and have guided the development of NLP since the early 1970’s. They are not necessarily true, yet by acting “as if” they are, have been proven to produce useful results. Beliefs are usually self fulfilling, if we believe someone doesn’t like us, our defensive manner can make this a reality. If we believe we can master a skill, we persevere until we do.

The beliefs we will be exploring include:

1. The map is not the territory.
2. The meaning of any communication is the response that it gets
3. You cannot ‘not communicate’.
4. Mind and body are parts of the same system… change one and you change the other.
5. The person with the greatest flexibility in thinking and behaviour is likely to have the most influence.
6. Every behaviour has a positive intention.
7. People have all the resources they need or can create them.
8. There is no such thing as failure, only feedback.
9. If it’s possible in the world then it’s possible for me, when I discover the ‘how’.
10. People work perfectly, and occasionally they have an issue or challenge to resolve.
11. People make the best choice they can at the time.
12. All procedures should be designed to increase choice.

So we invite you to ‘step into’ each of these positive pre-suppositions, let’s start by taking a look at “the map is not the territory“…

Each of us have developed a different mental model (or map) of the world, based on our unique life experiences, none of us have the complete picture, just our perception of it.

So consider how much scope there is for misunderstanding between individuals?

Developing an attitude of respect for different views and recognising there is no one right way to see a situation, is an essential belief to cultivate to help you learn, and appreciate the people around you, at home and work.

What’s your passion?

This article is the third in our series following the recent interview that Karen Mason and I conducted with Dr David Fraser. David is the author of the excellent book “Relationship Mastery – a Business Professional’s Guide”.

One point that really struck home with me and Karen was when David emphasised the need for people in any kind of career crisis to live life on purpose. This struck a chord with us, because it was exactly the theme of one of our recent Monday Musings – Working on Purpose.

David told us a bit of his own story – that he had elected to step off the corporate ladder in order to pursue his passion – which is to continue to build his own skills in the area of relationship mastery, whilst sharing with others what he has learnt along the way. He acknowledged that whilst financially he might be the poorer for this decision, in terms of fulfilment and happiness he is undoubtedly richer.

David advised taking the following steps:

1. Think long term – what’s your real passion?
2. Ask yourself “what was I put on this earth to do?”
3. Shape your whole life around your purpose.
4. Then communicate this to those around you, and you will notice that the right kinds of people and opportunities will materialise in your life.

David Fraser, PhD, is a leading authority on relationship skills in professional and personal life. He is a business owner, chartered engineer, certified mediator, NLP master practitioner, and family man. Find out more at www.drdavidfraser.com

See yourself as others see you

Dr David Fraser

I was lucky enough to interview Dr David Fraser recently, along with my associate Karen Mason. David has been described as “a rival to Dale Carnegie”, as the author of the best-selling book “Relationship Mastery – a Business Professional’s Guide” which is a refreshing book showing you how to do a better job of relating to other people.

In this article, I look at just one of the many tips that David shared with us – the value of becoming more self-aware, and to be able to see ourselves as others see us.

In any situation in which you are relating to another person, whether at work or at home, it is extremely useful to pay attention to the other person’s needs, and to be able to meet their needs. In this way, you are more likely to be able to also achieve your own intentions, creating a truly win-win result. To do this, however, you need to be as self-aware as possible. David advised mentally stepping outside of yourself, and asking yourself “How am I coming across? What do I like or not like about what’s going on here? What can I do more of, or stop doing, in order to get a better result for us both?”

Here’s a simple exercise that David described to help you to see yourself in the context of another person’s eyes:

• Choose a relationship that you’d like to explore – perhaps one in which you are currently experiencing some friction or difficulty.
• Arrange two chairs to represent yourself and the other person.
• Sit in the first chair, and visualise the other person sitting opposite you.
• Ask yourself “what do I see when I look at them? what can I hear? what am I saying to myself about this relationship? how does that make me feel?”
• Then ask, “what do I really want out of this relationship”.
• Get up, and go and sit in the other chair, taking on the role of the other person. Try sitting in their posture and really become them, looking back at ‘yourself’ in the first chair.
• Again, in the role of the second person, ask yourself “what do I see when I look at them? what can I hear? what am I saying to myself about this relationship? how does that make me feel?”
• Also ask yourself, “if I (as the other person) could give a gift or a piece of advice back to ‘myself’ in the first chair, what would that be?”
• Next, stand up and move to a position somewhat distanced, but where you can see both chairs. Become a fly-on-the-wall observer to the relationship between the two people.
• In this observer position, looking at both chairs, ask yourself “what can I see is really going on between the two people in this relationship? what do they have in common? where do they differ? what advice can I give to ‘myself’ in this relationship?”
• Finally, take this advice with you as you go back and sit in the first chair, and notice what is new for you in this relationship. Take away any insights, learnings or actions that will help you in the future.

David Fraser, PhD, is a leading authority on relationship skills in professional and personal life. He is a business owner, chartered engineer, certified mediator, NLP master practitioner, and family man. Find out more at www.drdavidfraser.com

Working on Purpose

Defining purpose in work, life and business is not about the daily tasks, it’s about the reason for the tasks in the first place – the “why”, not the “what”. Discovering purpose allows a person to create the vision behind the tasks, and knowing that vision can dramatically change results.

For example, a chef’s purpose is not to cook food – that’s a task. The reason for this task is to help people enjoy life by having a good time with loved ones around a meal they didn’t have to prepare (or clean up) themselves.

People who are fulfilled at work know how the work they do supports the company’s vision, values and goals whether it’s their own company or someone else’s.

Knowing your purpose helps:

• Give meaning to everything you do.
• Guide you through tough times and difficult decisons.
• Encourage you to follow your instinct instead of following the crowd.
• Motivate you on your journey even (or especially) when you encounter failure or rejection.

How to Fulfill Your Purpose AND Make a Living

We’ve been talking about finding purpose in the work that you’re already doing. If you want to envision a career, based on your life purpose, try the following approach.

1. Determine your strengths: Life purpose is directly related to personal strengths and talents e.g. if communication is your strength then your purpose may be found in that area.

2. Determine your passions: Passions are the things you love to do – with or without external rewards (like money or recognition).

3. Determine your causes: Identify the causes that matter to you. Is there a condition in the world that makes you feel discontent or compels you to action?

4. Find the sweet spot: After determining your strengths, passions and causes find the overlap between them. That’s the sweet spot, where you’re likely to find the most fulfillment in your work life.

5. Your mission, should you choose to accept it… Based on the information above, write a personal mission statement – it can help guide you throughout your career transition.

It’s not (necessarily) about the money!

If you are in career transition, instead of focusing on a money goal, try setting goals that “add value” – a goal that improves the quality of people’s lives or of the earth. Whether you’re a bricklayer, a coach, a CEO or a solopreneur, it’s ultimately through helping others that we all achieve our life purpose.

Adapted from content used under license © 2011 Claire Communications

The dreaded B word

How often do you find yourself using the dreaded B word?

BUT …

Sometimes we use it to overule or contradict others – “Your idea is a good one BUT what I think is …”

Interestingly, the word BUT is hard-coded in our neurology to have the effect of cancelling out the first half of the sentence (everything that came before the B word).  So when you use it to contradict others, it cancels out the bit of the sentence where you tried to placate the other person – you might as well not have bothered saying “Your idea is a good one”, because as soon as you said BUT, you cancelled that bit out.  So you’ve left an argumentative impression, rather than a conciliatory impression.

In these circumstances, try using the word AND instead.  “Your idea is a good one AND what I think is …”  This simple little word will have the effect of showing that you respect the other person’s point of view, and are demonstrating the intention of building on it, rather than overruling it.

Sometimes we use BUT to set boundaries on our own abilities or potential – “I’d like to do that BUT the problem is …”

Just notice the difference between the following two statements:

• I really want to set up my own business, but I don’t know where to start.
• I don’t know where to start, but I really want to set up my own business.

The second one leaves you with the positive intention, because the self-doubt has been cancelled out by the BUT.

If you find yourself expressing any self-limitations, or self-doubt, or holding yourself back with the B word, try turning the sentence round so that the problem is stated before the BUT, and the sentence ends with your positive intention, belief or action.

You might be unsure whether this suggestion will make a difference, BUT if you try it, you might just notice some positive benefit.

3 Tips to Support Your Successful Career Transition

I was recently asked “what did you find to be the most difficult aspect of career transition?”

What a great question for gaining personal insight…  and as I reflected I discovered that the most difficult aspect of my latest career transition, just over 4 years ago now, was giving myself the space to discover my sense of purpose and find my new identity.  After 20 years of corporate life I was used to being given my identity in the form of a role title and associated responsibilities.  I was constantly juggling work objectives and home life, not giving myself space to think about who I was, what I was doing and why.  It was only when I reached a sense of personal crisis and a knowing that something had to change, that I started to realise that who I was at work was not who I am!

On starting my own business I continued my busy pattern, filling my life with activities and people to keep me occupied.  The value of creating space for self enquiry and personal development has emerged over time, as a consequence of being coached, practicing yoga and in coaching others through their life transitions.  It has taken me some time to discover my passion, define a service that feels meaningful and an identity I feel comfortable with… and discovering the value of both being and doing has helped me make sense of my experiences over the past 45 years.  I am now able to integrate my skills, knowledge and talents in all that I do as a coach and facilitator, supporting leaders through personal change.

Learning from my own transition I offer three tips for a successful career transition:

1. Stop Doing For a Moment!

Give yourself reflective space for self enquiry and personal development.  This space will enable the true you to emerge, with a clear sense of self and purpose.

2. Challenge Yourself

Engage a coach or friend to help you create a reflective space where you can challenge your engrained beliefs and patterns of behaviour and allow new patterns to develop.

3. Discover What’s Really Important

Develop a creative hobby which allows you to get in touch with you, this will help create the space you need to discover what’s really important to you – your passions, values, skills and talents.

Out of The Frying Pan…

Out of the frying pan, into another frying pan

When you find yourself facing redundancy or other challenges in your career, the feeling of impending crisis means that the first step many of us take is immediately to contact the agencies to find another similar position.  But is this always the best course of action?  After the initial impetus, many people have regrets about this hasty step because it can be a case of “out of the frying pan, into the fire”.

I mean this in two different ways.  Firstly, if you are being made redundant then there is always a risk that market conditions mean that other, similar jobs may also be precarious.  One of our friends has recently been made redundant for the third time, and twice just in the last 12 months.

The other reason is that repeating what we know means that you miss the opportunity to take stock, to re-evaluate what’s really important in your life and what you really want from your next position.

So if you are facing redundancy, rather than jump into the next frying pan too hastily, take a moment to list out what your absolute ideal, perfect position would look like.  What would you focus on? What would you hear? What would you be saying to yourself when you establish yourself in the perfect role for you?  And how great will that make you feel?

Now, what role will give you all that?  Think widely and take your time, and be confident of creating for yourself absolute clarity over the right next step.

Doubt

How often have you asserted something “without a doubt”? But stop and think for a moment – to be truly without a doubt, one of two things must be true.  Either, you have absolutely every single fact required, and have eliminated all possibility of challenge, alternatives, or error.  OR, you have chosen to ignore any possibility of challenge, alternatives, or error.

In all but the simplest decisions, the first is highly unlikely, and the second is impossibly arrogant.

A real leader knows that doubt is inevitable, and in fact necessary. It is doubt that will drive a real leader to explore the alternatives and counter-arguments, and to be prepared for them.  It is doubt that will impel the real leader to step into other people’s shoes and see things from multiple perspectives.  It is self-doubt that guards against hubris, and ensure a life-long commitment to personal improvement.

Let our leaders have a little more doubt, please.

Emotional Wellness

The threat of redundancy or other career crisis hits many of us hard, and it can come as a surprise to people who have always thought of themselves as strong and resilient suddenly to find themselves dealing with unfamiliar and unwanted feelings.  Anger, fear, denial, sadness and loss are all common emotions felt by people facing redundancy.  And what can make it worse is that these feelings also trigger memories of previous experiences which we associate with the same feeling.  This means that as well as feeling new anger or sadness, you are also remembering any old anger or sadness from earlier in your life.

When you think of redundancy as having something in common with bereavement – after all, it is the sudden loss of a large part of your life – then these emotions are much more understandable and manageable.  They are the common emotions experienced when grieving, and just like any grief, they will eventually evolve, resolve themselves and eventually fade.

In the meantime, accepting that these feelings are OK, are normal and that you are not alone can be very helpful.  The worst thing that you can do is to mask your emotions through drink or drugs.  Instead, evaluate what method of dealing with these emotions will work best for you.  Do you prefer to talk to a trusted friend or a professional, or whether you like to burn off your emotions with strenuous exercise?  Whatever method you choose,  make sure that you are taking care of your emotional health as well as your physical and intellectual health in order to be in the best possible situation to move on to your next project after redundancy.

Confidence In The Face of Redundancy or Career Crisis

For most people, being made redundant or facing a career crisis gives their confidence a battering. I know that the first time I heard that my job was at risk, I almost went into meltdown, asking myself “Will I ever be able to get another job? What skills have I got? Who will want me once they know I’ve been rejected?”  Of course, these self-doubts are the death-knell to confidence, and they can start a real downward spiral. We begin to believe what we say to ourselves.

Interestingly, the word confidence literally means “with faith” or “with trust”. This faith or trust comes in two directions – firstly you need to have faith or trust in yourself. So what can you tell yourself that will build this faith and trust? Can you remind yourself of all the successes you’ve achieved? The projects that you’ve delivered? The teams that you’ve built up?

Secondly, you need to earn the faith or trust of others. People around you are more likely to display confidence in you when you are showing confidence in yourself. So the period of initial self-doubt is a very bad time to be out searching for your next role or project. You will be projecting a very pale version of yourself, and subliminally sending out messages of doubt.  In return, prospective employers or partners will doubt whether they will want to work with you.

One of the most useful exercises that I undertook when I was really struggling to see my own self-worth, was to ask people around me what they valued in me.  I contacted a range of people including colleagues, friends and family, and explained that I was in the process of evaluating my next step in my career, and asked them if they could jot down a few points on what they most valued about me.

The results were overwhelming, and enlightening.  Firstly, every single person I contacted took the time to reply, which was in itself a big boost to my faith in myself. And the responses which came back were illuminating, surprising, funny, emotional and insightful. Many people commented on attributes which I had never even thought of as strengths, which helped me to look at myself differently and in a new, positive light. Other people picked up on attibutes which I didn’t even know I possessed, which stimulated me to think about areas of myself which are hidden to me, but visible to others (the old Johari Window exercise comes in useful here.) One or two people helpfully included their observations on my weaknesses as well as my strengths, which was wince-making, but honest and balanced. All of them expressed their 100% support for what I was doing, and were glad to have been of help.

Who can you reach out to in this way?