What’s your passion?

This article is the third in our series following the recent interview that Karen Mason and I conducted with Dr David Fraser. David is the author of the excellent book “Relationship Mastery – a Business Professional’s Guide”.

One point that really struck home with me and Karen was when David emphasised the need for people in any kind of career crisis to live life on purpose. This struck a chord with us, because it was exactly the theme of one of our recent Monday Musings – Working on Purpose.

David told us a bit of his own story – that he had elected to step off the corporate ladder in order to pursue his passion – which is to continue to build his own skills in the area of relationship mastery, whilst sharing with others what he has learnt along the way. He acknowledged that whilst financially he might be the poorer for this decision, in terms of fulfilment and happiness he is undoubtedly richer.

David advised taking the following steps:

1. Think long term – what’s your real passion?
2. Ask yourself “what was I put on this earth to do?”
3. Shape your whole life around your purpose.
4. Then communicate this to those around you, and you will notice that the right kinds of people and opportunities will materialise in your life.

David Fraser, PhD, is a leading authority on relationship skills in professional and personal life. He is a business owner, chartered engineer, certified mediator, NLP master practitioner, and family man. Find out more at www.drdavidfraser.com

It’s OK to ask for help

In our recent interview with Dr David Fraser, Karen and I asked David about how people in career transition can make the most of their extended networks – friends, colleagues past and present, family, and even your hairdresser, butcher or postman.

David’s advice was to see every person as an individual, just like you, and therefore to build relationships with everyone. He recommended working from a belief that people are pleased to help. If you think about it, when someone asks you for help, on the whole you will do what you can for them. It’s the same the other way around.

If you need information, or to be introduced to someone, or even some practical support, the chances are that there is someone in your extended network who can give you exactly what you want, if only you ask for it.

We asked David whether this means that you get into the situation of trading favours, with one person being in another person’s debt if they have accepted some help.

David was forthright in disagreeing with this! He described the concept of pay it forward, sometimes also expressed as what goes around, comes around. With this mind-set, when you offer help to someone, you do so without any expectation of being paid back, but instead, you simply ask that the recipient pays it forward – whenever they can do something help for another person, then they should. In this way, everyone benefits.

Action points:

1. What help do you need? Who can you ask for it?
2. If someone has done something for you, how can you pay it forward? Who else will benefit from your assistance?

Positive Beliefs and Performance

My brief for a recent Recruitment Centre “to facilitate a 30 minute session on how Transactional Analysis supports Positive Belief in Performance”.  My initial reaction, one of horror!

“What do I know about TA?” came my inner voice…

It took a while for me to be with the topic, change my thoughts and begin to realise this was going to be an enjoyable project. I reframed the task as a chance for a little research with a specific purpose, to learn and grow from the preparation and to faciliate a 30 minute session where the participants would also be able to learn a little about themselves.

I did enjoy the research and preparation, which led to my successful facilitation of an experiential 30 minutes based on Julie Hay‘s description of BAR and PRO.

… and what did I learn during the process? How our inner voice can limit us if we let it.  If I had listened to my initial reaction, rather than responding positively to the challenge, I may have chosen a more limiting response.  Once we stop and notice what our inner critic is saying, we can challenge it and choose to believe something far more resourceful, leading to successful outcomes and greater performance.

My story is demonstration of breaking the limiting Belief – Action – Reinforcement (BAR) cycle, by challenging our beliefs, changing our actions and not seeking to reinforce those limiting  beliefs, we can achieve Positive beliefs – take Resourceful actions – leading to Okay outcomes (PRO). My experience of coaching is that it provides a fabulous opportunity to challenge negative beliefs and consider new actions. Working with a coach enables you as learner to discover new choices, leading to resourceful outcomes and transformation in your performance.

So, what beliefs are holding YOU back from performing at your best?  Share your stories here and let’s see how can we support you challenge those limiting beliefs and discover your potential…

The dreaded B word

How often do you find yourself using the dreaded B word?

BUT …

Sometimes we use it to overule or contradict others – “Your idea is a good one BUT what I think is …”

Interestingly, the word BUT is hard-coded in our neurology to have the effect of cancelling out the first half of the sentence (everything that came before the B word).  So when you use it to contradict others, it cancels out the bit of the sentence where you tried to placate the other person – you might as well not have bothered saying “Your idea is a good one”, because as soon as you said BUT, you cancelled that bit out.  So you’ve left an argumentative impression, rather than a conciliatory impression.

In these circumstances, try using the word AND instead.  “Your idea is a good one AND what I think is …”  This simple little word will have the effect of showing that you respect the other person’s point of view, and are demonstrating the intention of building on it, rather than overruling it.

Sometimes we use BUT to set boundaries on our own abilities or potential – “I’d like to do that BUT the problem is …”

Just notice the difference between the following two statements:

• I really want to set up my own business, but I don’t know where to start.
• I don’t know where to start, but I really want to set up my own business.

The second one leaves you with the positive intention, because the self-doubt has been cancelled out by the BUT.

If you find yourself expressing any self-limitations, or self-doubt, or holding yourself back with the B word, try turning the sentence round so that the problem is stated before the BUT, and the sentence ends with your positive intention, belief or action.

You might be unsure whether this suggestion will make a difference, BUT if you try it, you might just notice some positive benefit.

What do you want to be when you grow up?

Can you remember when you were a little child – what did you want to be when you grew up?  Whether your dreams ran along typical lines of train-driver, ballet dancer or pop star, or whether you had more unusual intentions (apparently I wanted to be a window cleaner and write sermons in my spare time) just take a moment now to reflect on how close you have come to your childhood dream.

When we are facing the crisis of redundancy we often revert to child-like behaviour.  Some of this behaviour is unhelpful, like blaming others, sulking or going into an over-emotional state.  So why not take the opportunity to do some other, more positive child-like behaviour?  Try indulging in a spot of child-like, no-boundaries, no-rules day-dreaming on “what I want to be when I grow up”.  No matter what age you are, you can still make these dreams come true.  I no longer fancy being a window-cleaner, and whilst a blog isn’t quite the same as a sermon, I’d say it’s pretty close!

When Opportunity Knocks

I’ve been reading a fascinating book Total Leadership by Stewart Friedman.  He writes about how leaders who have the ability to integrate four key aspects of their life, rather than balance them, are often better leaders who lead a richer life.  The four aspects Stew describes are:

• work
• home
• community
• self

Having wrestled for many years to balance these four parts of my own life and seeing them as separate, I recognise this has caused me much conflict… so the idea of integration really appeals.

Last night I saw an awesome example of integration taking place, where passion, vision and focus delivered massive opportunity for others.

Want to know more?

Chris has had a passion for singing for many years and in her spare time invested in vocal training.  She sings all the time at home, watches all the talent shows on TV and occasionally performs at weddings and functions.  Singing is a core part of who Chris is and her passion was being fulfilled in her home life.

Chris came for professional coaching about 4 years ago to help her determine her “work self”.  She left her career with a large IT company following the arrival of her second child 8 years ago.  Since then she has been an at home mum, supporting the  successful growth of her partners plumbing business.  During the coaching programme Chris dreamed of turning her passion for singing into her work.  Her vision “To offer children the opportunity to sing for fun and grow in confidence.”

With her vision came clarity of purpose and Chris became focused on creating opportunities to realise her dream.  She started a lunchtime club at her son’s school and once established moved on to set up a second club at another local primary school.  She is now looking to start her third!  Chris has so much energy and enthusiasm for what she does, for all those that know her we see how driven she is to succeed in giving as many children as possible opportunity to sing and grow.

Last night I attended a Talent Show for 7 to 13 years olds… the show was the culmination of a dream for Christine Davis, who proudly introduced 30 of her young students to perform in front of a packed village hall full of parents and friends.  Integrating her work within the community in this way, brought a lot of joy to local people and provided her students the opportunity to show off all they have learnt.  It was wonderful to watch the children growing in confidence as the night unfolded and fantastic that Chris was able to offer them an experience that will remain with them for the rest of their lives.

Christine’s pop vocal coaching business is Sing Pop and you can follow her on Twitter @singpopuk.

As leaders there is a lot we can learn from the congruence Chris exhibits in all four aspects of her life. Here are a few questions to help you to reflect on how integrated your life is:

1. What is your vision?
2. What is your passion?
3. What’s important to you?
4. What needs to change to bring you greater harmony?
5. What will you focus on first to integrate the four aspects of your life?

Do let us know what you discover.

Doubt

How often have you asserted something “without a doubt”? But stop and think for a moment – to be truly without a doubt, one of two things must be true.  Either, you have absolutely every single fact required, and have eliminated all possibility of challenge, alternatives, or error.  OR, you have chosen to ignore any possibility of challenge, alternatives, or error.

In all but the simplest decisions, the first is highly unlikely, and the second is impossibly arrogant.

A real leader knows that doubt is inevitable, and in fact necessary. It is doubt that will drive a real leader to explore the alternatives and counter-arguments, and to be prepared for them.  It is doubt that will impel the real leader to step into other people’s shoes and see things from multiple perspectives.  It is self-doubt that guards against hubris, and ensure a life-long commitment to personal improvement.

Let our leaders have a little more doubt, please.

Confidence In The Face of Redundancy or Career Crisis

For most people, being made redundant or facing a career crisis gives their confidence a battering. I know that the first time I heard that my job was at risk, I almost went into meltdown, asking myself “Will I ever be able to get another job? What skills have I got? Who will want me once they know I’ve been rejected?”  Of course, these self-doubts are the death-knell to confidence, and they can start a real downward spiral. We begin to believe what we say to ourselves.

Interestingly, the word confidence literally means “with faith” or “with trust”. This faith or trust comes in two directions – firstly you need to have faith or trust in yourself. So what can you tell yourself that will build this faith and trust? Can you remind yourself of all the successes you’ve achieved? The projects that you’ve delivered? The teams that you’ve built up?

Secondly, you need to earn the faith or trust of others. People around you are more likely to display confidence in you when you are showing confidence in yourself. So the period of initial self-doubt is a very bad time to be out searching for your next role or project. You will be projecting a very pale version of yourself, and subliminally sending out messages of doubt.  In return, prospective employers or partners will doubt whether they will want to work with you.

One of the most useful exercises that I undertook when I was really struggling to see my own self-worth, was to ask people around me what they valued in me.  I contacted a range of people including colleagues, friends and family, and explained that I was in the process of evaluating my next step in my career, and asked them if they could jot down a few points on what they most valued about me.

The results were overwhelming, and enlightening.  Firstly, every single person I contacted took the time to reply, which was in itself a big boost to my faith in myself. And the responses which came back were illuminating, surprising, funny, emotional and insightful. Many people commented on attributes which I had never even thought of as strengths, which helped me to look at myself differently and in a new, positive light. Other people picked up on attibutes which I didn’t even know I possessed, which stimulated me to think about areas of myself which are hidden to me, but visible to others (the old Johari Window exercise comes in useful here.) One or two people helpfully included their observations on my weaknesses as well as my strengths, which was wince-making, but honest and balanced. All of them expressed their 100% support for what I was doing, and were glad to have been of help.

Who can you reach out to in this way?

Balancing The Pie

What role do you expect your work to play in your life?  If your whole life was a pie, and one slice was called “work”, how big is that slice right now? And what are the other slices called? When you look at your pie of life, are the slices how you’d like them to be?

I recently re-drew my own pie and noticed that the slice called “physical fitness” had shrunk in comparison to the slice called “watching the television”.  Looking at the whole of my life in this way meant that I could make sensible, implementable choices and avoid the classic trap of trying to do “more of” one thing without making the necessary and corresponding “less of” adjustment elsewhere.

A well-balance pie probably has slices that cover a range of areas of your life including:

• Work
• Continuous learning
• Family
• Friends and social life
• Health and physical fitness
• Spirituality
• Rest and relaxation/hobbies
• Money

When you are facing any kind of personal challenge can be a great time to re-evaluate your pie.  If the news of an impending redundancy has hit you particularly hard, then you might notice that the slice called “work” is disproportionately large compared to other slices, and you may be fearing the implications when this slice is removed and the rest of the pie collapses.  Do you remember the old saying “when you die, no-one goes to their grave saying ‘I wish I spent more time at work’ “?  So how would you like to re-draw your pie while you’ve got the opportunity?  What slices do you want to enlarge?  What slices will reduce correspondingly?  Is there a slice that has been neglected and needs to be added in?  If so, what will go to make room for it?

The nice this about the pie of life is that you can re-bake it as often as you like.  Just remember that the most wholesome, nutritious pie is a well-balanced pie.

The Sherpa as a leadership model

the Sherpa - a metaphor for leadership

“I am the Sherpa,
I know the way, I show the way, I travel the way.
I have the strength to carry my own load, and the humility to carry yours.
I have the resourcefulness to travel with the lightest load possible, and to use the resources of my surroundings, no matter how bleak, to make the journey successful.”
Unknown source

I really like the metaphor of Sherpa as leader. For me it is characterised by some simple tenets:

• a clear vision of the destination
• familiarity with the route, coupled with the flexibility to adapt to circumstances as they arise
• courage not just to travel dangerous ground, but also to take responsibility for others on the journey
• happiness to let others be the “famous name”, a lack of ego which is so rare when coupled with such strong self-belief.

I invite you to take on the Sherpa qualities; what difference would that make to the way you tackle things? How would it benefit you, and those around you? What resources does your environment offer that could be put to better use? Whose burden can you ease?