Communicate, Communicate, Communicate!

In last weeks Monday Musing, We Are What We Believe,  we started to explore the presuppositions of NLP, also known as “Beliefs of Excellence”… and this week we’re looking at “The meaning of any communication is the response that it gets”.

How often, do you feel that when someone misunderstands you there is something wrong with him or her?  We put the onus on others to “get” us.  Both verbal and non-verbal behaviours trigger responses in others.  The point of communication is to get an outcome, so an effective communicator is not someone with good command of language and delivery, they are someone who gets their desired response!

Next time you feel misunderstood take responsibility for your outcome and try a different way of sharing your message.  Give it a go and share with us what happens.

… and our third and related presupposition is “You cannot not communicate”.

It’s useful to remember we are always communicating, either verbally or non-verbally. Even the absence of a response is information, such as when someone stops talking suddenly or becomes quiet.

So be aware of what are you communicating today, explicitly or otherwise, you might be surprised by what you notice about yourself.

Curious?  Want to know more?  NLP offers a valuable way to increase awareness of how you communicate and build relationships.
Join us for a taster day and find out more.

We are what we believe

“Whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t, you’re right.”

Henry Ford

In an earlier post, Positive Beliefs and Performance, we described how our beliefs influence our performance.  Over the next few posts we will be exploring how we can become more resourceful by adopting the “Presuppositions of NLP” or “Beliefs of Excellence”, as I like to call them.

This set of helpful beliefs were derived by Richard Bandler and John Grinder from their study of experts in fields relating to human performance and have guided the development of NLP since the early 1970’s. They are not necessarily true, yet by acting “as if” they are, have been proven to produce useful results. Beliefs are usually self fulfilling, if we believe someone doesn’t like us, our defensive manner can make this a reality. If we believe we can master a skill, we persevere until we do.

The beliefs we will be exploring include:

1. The map is not the territory.
2. The meaning of any communication is the response that it gets
3. You cannot ‘not communicate’.
4. Mind and body are parts of the same system… change one and you change the other.
5. The person with the greatest flexibility in thinking and behaviour is likely to have the most influence.
6. Every behaviour has a positive intention.
7. People have all the resources they need or can create them.
8. There is no such thing as failure, only feedback.
9. If it’s possible in the world then it’s possible for me, when I discover the ‘how’.
10. People work perfectly, and occasionally they have an issue or challenge to resolve.
11. People make the best choice they can at the time.
12. All procedures should be designed to increase choice.

So we invite you to ‘step into’ each of these positive pre-suppositions, let’s start by taking a look at “the map is not the territory“…

Each of us have developed a different mental model (or map) of the world, based on our unique life experiences, none of us have the complete picture, just our perception of it.

So consider how much scope there is for misunderstanding between individuals?

Developing an attitude of respect for different views and recognising there is no one right way to see a situation, is an essential belief to cultivate to help you learn, and appreciate the people around you, at home and work.

What’s your passion?

This article is the third in our series following the recent interview that Karen Mason and I conducted with Dr David Fraser. David is the author of the excellent book “Relationship Mastery – a Business Professional’s Guide”.

One point that really struck home with me and Karen was when David emphasised the need for people in any kind of career crisis to live life on purpose. This struck a chord with us, because it was exactly the theme of one of our recent Monday Musings – Working on Purpose.

David told us a bit of his own story – that he had elected to step off the corporate ladder in order to pursue his passion – which is to continue to build his own skills in the area of relationship mastery, whilst sharing with others what he has learnt along the way. He acknowledged that whilst financially he might be the poorer for this decision, in terms of fulfilment and happiness he is undoubtedly richer.

David advised taking the following steps:

1. Think long term – what’s your real passion?
2. Ask yourself “what was I put on this earth to do?”
3. Shape your whole life around your purpose.
4. Then communicate this to those around you, and you will notice that the right kinds of people and opportunities will materialise in your life.

David Fraser, PhD, is a leading authority on relationship skills in professional and personal life. He is a business owner, chartered engineer, certified mediator, NLP master practitioner, and family man. Find out more at www.drdavidfraser.com

It’s OK to ask for help

In our recent interview with Dr David Fraser, Karen and I asked David about how people in career transition can make the most of their extended networks – friends, colleagues past and present, family, and even your hairdresser, butcher or postman.

David’s advice was to see every person as an individual, just like you, and therefore to build relationships with everyone. He recommended working from a belief that people are pleased to help. If you think about it, when someone asks you for help, on the whole you will do what you can for them. It’s the same the other way around.

If you need information, or to be introduced to someone, or even some practical support, the chances are that there is someone in your extended network who can give you exactly what you want, if only you ask for it.

We asked David whether this means that you get into the situation of trading favours, with one person being in another person’s debt if they have accepted some help.

David was forthright in disagreeing with this! He described the concept of pay it forward, sometimes also expressed as what goes around, comes around. With this mind-set, when you offer help to someone, you do so without any expectation of being paid back, but instead, you simply ask that the recipient pays it forward – whenever they can do something help for another person, then they should. In this way, everyone benefits.

Action points:

1. What help do you need? Who can you ask for it?
2. If someone has done something for you, how can you pay it forward? Who else will benefit from your assistance?

See yourself as others see you

Dr David Fraser

I was lucky enough to interview Dr David Fraser recently, along with my associate Karen Mason. David has been described as “a rival to Dale Carnegie”, as the author of the best-selling book “Relationship Mastery – a Business Professional’s Guide” which is a refreshing book showing you how to do a better job of relating to other people.

In this article, I look at just one of the many tips that David shared with us – the value of becoming more self-aware, and to be able to see ourselves as others see us.

In any situation in which you are relating to another person, whether at work or at home, it is extremely useful to pay attention to the other person’s needs, and to be able to meet their needs. In this way, you are more likely to be able to also achieve your own intentions, creating a truly win-win result. To do this, however, you need to be as self-aware as possible. David advised mentally stepping outside of yourself, and asking yourself “How am I coming across? What do I like or not like about what’s going on here? What can I do more of, or stop doing, in order to get a better result for us both?”

Here’s a simple exercise that David described to help you to see yourself in the context of another person’s eyes:

• Choose a relationship that you’d like to explore – perhaps one in which you are currently experiencing some friction or difficulty.
• Arrange two chairs to represent yourself and the other person.
• Sit in the first chair, and visualise the other person sitting opposite you.
• Ask yourself “what do I see when I look at them? what can I hear? what am I saying to myself about this relationship? how does that make me feel?”
• Then ask, “what do I really want out of this relationship”.
• Get up, and go and sit in the other chair, taking on the role of the other person. Try sitting in their posture and really become them, looking back at ‘yourself’ in the first chair.
• Again, in the role of the second person, ask yourself “what do I see when I look at them? what can I hear? what am I saying to myself about this relationship? how does that make me feel?”
• Also ask yourself, “if I (as the other person) could give a gift or a piece of advice back to ‘myself’ in the first chair, what would that be?”
• Next, stand up and move to a position somewhat distanced, but where you can see both chairs. Become a fly-on-the-wall observer to the relationship between the two people.
• In this observer position, looking at both chairs, ask yourself “what can I see is really going on between the two people in this relationship? what do they have in common? where do they differ? what advice can I give to ‘myself’ in this relationship?”
• Finally, take this advice with you as you go back and sit in the first chair, and notice what is new for you in this relationship. Take away any insights, learnings or actions that will help you in the future.

David Fraser, PhD, is a leading authority on relationship skills in professional and personal life. He is a business owner, chartered engineer, certified mediator, NLP master practitioner, and family man. Find out more at www.drdavidfraser.com